MMQ (SFM Edition) - Week 1 Recap

After a three year or so hiatus, Monday Morning Quarterback (Sans Farve Mancrush Edition) is back with the same hard-hitting, impeccably researched and completely balanced analysis that served as its hallmark back in the day. Readers can be assured that, for the rest of the season and beyond, they can expect and depend on MMQ to be published the later of weekly or whenever the hell this author feels like it.

On a personal note, it’s good to be back. I’ve missed my loyal readership over the last three years, and hope I can earn that loyalty back from all of you in the coming months. And while I remember your smiling faces, I must confess that I can’t remember your names. I walked over to look at the Tar Heel Tavern league trophy for guidance, but for some reason all the nameplates over the last three years read exactly the same…not much help there! Over the course of the year I certainly hope to get as familiar with all of you as you all are with losing.

Without further ado, onto the games:

DELHOMME DEPOT™ vs. CARDIAC CATS

We’ll begin with the most anticipated game of the week, the first game of the season for three-time returning Tar Heel Tavern champion Delhomme Depot and two-time Coach of the Year Jesh Humphrey against rival coach Drew Wood and his Cardiac Cats. The early games set the tone for this one, as the Minnesota defense and WR Andre Johnson came up huge for Depot, who never looked back and is cruising to a sizeable victory.

In the post-game press conference, Humphrey expressed that he thought the tone was set even earlier.

“Yeah,” he began, “I checked Wood’s starting lineup before kickoff and noticed Fred Taylor was starting. Just to be sure, I went in my office and checked my calendar. When I confirmed that it wasn’t, in fact, 2003, I started feeling pretty good about our chances.”

Humphrey went on to congratulate Wood on a game well-played. “Romo isn’t going to put up 5 TDs every week, and it’s not like Minnesota gets to face the Falcons every time out, either. Kind of a fluke, really. Of course, we expect more out of Gore next Sunday. For our first round keeper to toss up a goose egg is really unacceptable. What’s that? He hasn’t played yet? Wow. I’m absolutely MOLESTING Drew. A lot.”

Coach Wood was somewhat less than gracious in defeat. “Of course, it really chafes to be losing to an archnemesis and a douchebag. But let’s not start calling this a loss just yet. McNair, Rackers and Ocho Cinco have yet to play, and they only have to make up 75 points assuming that Frank Gore runs for negative 50 yards and fumbles a couple times.”

When asked about his rivalry with Wood, Humphrey compared it to war. “It’s really like two superpowers going at it every time we’re out on the field. Grenada’s a superpower, right?”

LANDLOCKED vs. THE ASCII PENIS

Watch out, Dan Marino. Sunday, on the not-so-frozen tundra of Lambeau Field, the legendary Brett Favre majestically took the first snap from center, dropped back to pass with trademark precision, and proceeded to suck enormous donkey balls for the 50th straight game. Favre is now only six games away from the incredible 56-game suckage streak Marino had to close out his career from 1996-1999.

“Three years,” remarked TAP Coach Jeremiah “JJ” Jackson wistfully. “Three years in a row we’ve drafted Favre as a starter. Three years in a row we’ve put him out there. I thought this was his year…I thought...” Jackson paused and gathered himself. “We watched tapes in the offseason and he was hitting those Hanes models right on the hands EVERY FREAKING TIME. I just don’t understand why it isn’t translating out on the field. You think he’d be getting better as he gets older, more injured, and increasingly reliant on a rookie running back, inept offensive line and depleted receiving corps.”

Coach Lee “Taft” smiled a wry, knowing smile when informed of Jackson’s comments. “All sound logic, to be sure. That’s how I’ve drafted my team for years. Unfortunately, sometimes luck wins out.”

Luck wasn’t the only thing winning out this day, however, as Landlocked squeezed the life out of The Penis utilizing the QB-WR tandem of keeper Tom Brady and a rejuvenated Randy Moss. Plaxico Burress joined in The Penis-beating action with three touchdown receptions and a remarkable 32-point performance. With both his running backs yet to play, Coach Taft has already turned in what some observers are predicting will be his highest point total ever, either in the past or for the rest of time. A proud Taft revealed his strategy to reporters after the New England game.

“I woke up this morning and I just said, ‘We really need to surprise Coach Jackson’s squad with a couple of unexpected performances,’ and that’s exactly what we did. TAP came out a little rusty and didn’t know what was coming from Moss and Burress. It always feels really, really good to take The Penis from behind.”

SHARKCARTILAGEDOUCHE VS. DRKENNETHNOISEWATER

This one was billed as the “Really? 20 Characters Isn’t Enough For You Can’t Find a Decent Team Name with Proper Spacing?” Bowl, and started out as all that it was advertised and more. Things were looking pretty good for both squads on Thursday night as Noisewater QB and perennial TTH MVP Peyton Manning lobbed a couple of TD passes in the direction of Douche WR Reggie Wayne, with RB Joseph Addai turning in a stellar 20-point game. The rest of Douche’s blue chippers let him down on Sunday, however, as first round keeper Larry “Mr. Happy” Johnson managed a meager 8.7 fantasy points on only 10 carries. While Johnson is unlikely to stay down for the season, Coach Adam Horn’s Douche squad is likely done for the week.

“Leinart, Stover and the Baltimore defense against Darrell Jackson, McGahee, Joe Nedney and a 24-point deficit,” observed Horn. “NFL.”

Noisewater coach Russell Prange was not seen during the game and was unavailable for comment afterward. Rumors regarding his existence once again swirled among members of the media after the game, as did rumors that Noisewater starting Cedric Benson is terrible.

WHAT NO HOCKEY?? vs. WHIPPING BOY

Ugh.

NO. 1 IN TRACK vs. SLOMO

Slomo head coach Matt Tripp has taken a magnificent swan drive from grace since his 2005 TTH COY season and made it clear that this year was about one thing—redemption.

“After [running back Shaun] Alexander went down last year, we knew we were in for a long season. This year, though, with Alexander healthy and Steven Jackson on board, we have the best running back tandem in the league and no excuses. It was up to me to create an excuse, therefore, by drafting an unproven QB with my third-round pick.”

Done and done. With Donovan McNabb still available, Philip Rivers stepped off the draft board and into a gigantic pile of poop against the Bears yesterday, throwing for fewer touchdowns (0) than real-life teammate but fantasy-life opponent LaDainian Tomlinson (1). Behind the passing of Tomlinson and Eli Manning, Coach James Forrest jumped out to a 40-point lead over Slomo with each team having a player yet to play.

“It may look like it’s in the bag, but we have to be careful not to get overconfident,” said Forrest Sunday night before bursting into laughter. “Just kidding. We can’t lose. Clear eyes, full hearts and all that. Man, I thought I could keep a straight face.”

It wasn’t all good news and lame quotes from TV shows that nobody watches for Coach Forrest, however, who discovered during the press conference that Manning had been sidelined with a shoulder injury and that I possibly fathered the newest addition to his family. An MRI and a paternity test will be conducted today, and both results are expected to be released later this afternoon. “Bummer on both counts,” a dejected Forrest remarked when informed of the evening’s developments. “The prospect of starting Tavaris Jackson or Joey Harrington next week is probably the worst feeling in the world.”

Tripp disagreed. “Not even close,” he said. “The worst feeling in the world is pinning your hopes for victory on a 40+ point performance from Alex Smith.”

How true, Coach Tripp. How true.

WE’LL BE BACK some other time to wrap up matchups from some other week. On the not-so-off-chance that that won’t be for another three years from now…congratulations to Coach Bacon for finally getting the monkey of his back and achieving his first-ever Tar Heel Tavern win (currently projected for November of 2009)!